This Much I Know

This is one of my old poems from 8/27/07...

This Much I Know

I looked up and saw your face

The most handsome man in the contest

Dark skin and big brown eyes

A long narrow nose and a crooked grin

You looked so tall

You looked so strong

You were my hero

What the hell did I know?

I thought you were good

I thought you were kind

Always helping the neighbors

And friends were never scarce

You threw the most elaborate parties

Barbecues every weekend

And people said we were lucky

What the hell did they know?

Daddy's little girl

I always wanted to be

But as I grew older

And I looked straight at your face

I saw something else

You were not the man I thought you were

You were not heroic and you were not kind

How the hell did I not know?

Always angry

Always yelling

You were mean

You were harsh

You made mom cry

And it made me cry

And all the time you claimed you were right

What the hell did you know?

You were supposed to be my hero

You were supposed to teach me

About myself, about life

About boys, and how they should treat me

But most importantly

You were supposed to teach me how to love

That is a parent's job

But what the hell do you know about love?

You don't know how to love

And you don't expect that I know either

Well, I've got news for you: I'm better than you

I don't look to you for any of that anymore

Because I know that you are incapable of it

You are stunted

And I feel sorry for you

It's sad to know what I know.

I tried to talk

I tried to smile

Through all the humiliation

Through all the pain

I tried to bring you back into my life

And all you've ever done is push me away

I'm leaving you now, I understand

And I know... I know that you just won't love me.

2PM

2 p.m. siren
A constant reminder
For the back of your mind
That not everyone's not safe, 
The world is not kind.


2 p.m. siren
A constant reminder
For the back of your mind
That the world is not safe, 
When not everyone's kind.


-Marisol Tena (1/15/12)

The Day Before the End

Today is the day before the end;
The end of another year
And a million emotions along with it.

A year in which I have picked myself up
From the most profound depths
To a place where I can once again see light.

A year in which I became no longer my old myself
But rather battled and wagered
To become a better version...

One that did not repeat the same mistakes.

A year in which I put a stop
To hopelessness and lost causes
And began to focus on the only life I can control.

This year, which brought so many heartaches
In the form of pleads and guilt trips,
Also brought forth newly found resolution.

"To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

This year, what a year, was the one
Which saw a major change in direction
For a woman who’d had enough of lamenting.

What a year for this woman, I myself,
To decide that she would not allow
Herself to be cast aside and be another victim.

This year brought a higher level of understanding,
Not only of things written in books
But of the way that people work.

Is it really just one year?
Since the [important] people in my life rallied ‘round
And showed me nothing but love and support?

This year, wow, another year
Is the year in which I have taken so much
From those around me who were willing to give.

And this coming year
Is the year
When I leave (not for long)
And share it all with the world.

January 30, 2009

Mother Moon

She rises high and bright at night

A revolution held for us

She watches from her heavenly throne

When in the darkness we do roam

She cares enough to light our path

And shows her love to those thought lost

And even when we dare revolt

Her beams do bring us back afloat

-Marisol Tena

August, 2009

Reserving the Right to Be Angry

This is my rant

I have to let it out

I can’t believe how fucking stupid I’m being

For even giving this a moment’s thought.

It’s been a lot of fucking years

Since the first time you and I met

To tell you the truth,

I don’t even remember how it happened

I made myself forget.

You came off as such a catch at first

On paper you sounded great

Good job, responsible, blah, blah, blah…

And then I noticed the hornet tattoo.

Just a hint of bad boy to add a twist to the resume

Should’ve known it was a sign

A foreboding of bullshit to come

A prick. That’s what it meant. I should’ve seen it then.

You put me through so much crap

Girls, girls, girls, left and right

And the whole time, you said you wanted me

You were such a fucking liar

And I was such a fucking stupid-ass

For believing you, for wanting to believe you

Even just a tiny bit.

You dragged my heart around

You tossed it in the air without a fucking care

Always playing your game

While I continued to be honest and real.

For what???

For a refusal to even acknowledge what we were?

I wasn’t even worth that fucking much to you!

Maybe it was because no matter what,

I never allowed myself

To be completely fooled by you

To give into you.

Maybe it was because no matter what,

No matter how much I wanted to believe

That someone cared, that someone would love me,

I knew deep down inside

That you.

Were nothing.

But a player.

A man just like too many others.

I didn’t want to be another one on your list

Another wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.

I can say that much for myself.

I was never completely stupid.

And it’s a good thing

Because apparently, you were.

You were SO stupid

In fucking up a good thing

With a good girl

Who would have never done anything

To hurt you

To disrespect you.

Instead you went with another one

And let’s be honest, we both know she was inferior

Although you didn’t see it then

But you see it now…

Now.

Now that life has turned around

And kicked you in the balls.

Now you see, what a huge difference

There was between her and me.

Now you come back

And you want "coffee"

And you want to “talk”

And you want to be “friends”

And you say that you’ve changed

And you want to prove it to me

And you even ask me to fly

And meet you in exotic places.

Porque I like you and me gusta hablar contigo.

But I’m not the same stupid girl I was those years ago.

I see. I see what you’re doing.

I see the girls. I see the same pattern.

I see

That no matter what,

No matter how much the universe tries to teach you

The difference between right and wrong

That you should just quit your bullshit games

You’re just never gonna change.

I’m not here to be your pity prize.

I’m not here for you to pick up

Whenever you feel like you need a toy to make you feel better.

I am not a toy.

I am a woman.

I am a good woman.

I require more than what you could ever give me.

I want…

No. I need someone who will see me

And know from the get-go

That I am one who needs to be taken care of

Not because I can’t take care of myself,

But because I have value

And because he knows

That he has value, too.

That’s something you still don’t get.

That no matter how much you’ve fucked up in the past,

You can always start anew and turn your life around

Because no matter who you are, you are valuable

But not until you give yourself some worth,

Which you, my friend, have not yet done.

Peace out!